My call to religious life was late in rereading my life I see that the Lord was waiting for me. He called me late, I had a whole life before, a life of research: from a very young age, I was looking for happiness.
I was born into a practicing Catholic family, but growing up I distanced myself from religious practice, but not from God. So, in bookstores, I looked for parallel spiritualities, psychology, self-knowledge... I went to the esoteric shelves, without however taking bad things like magic or new-age, I made the difference thanks to the benchmarks received in my Catholic education. In a specialized store, I had bought a small book of poems called “Rivers of living water”. It was as if Christ was talking to me there and there I was “fished”, the Lord was calling me to come back to him. And from that day my goal was to return to the Catholic Church. I took two years. Through friends I came into contact with a prayer group and it was from there that my spiritual journey with Jesus took on a new lease of life. It was a new departure in radicalism and religious practice. But it was not without struggles.
Eight years of battles, prayers, purification, suffering followed. I was thirsty for God but I wanted to get married, have children, for me it was the way to happiness. Tensioned as I was towards marriage, and as the age advanced, it was war with the good God, a real Jacob's fight! I was angry with him because he didn't listen to me; There was a year when I questioned everything: religious practice, faith,… But at the same time I didn't want to despair. A word came back to me, with which I went a long way: “Lord, to whom shall I go? You are the one who has the words of eternal life”.
And then I received a grace of inner healing. While praying the psalms, I felt a weight of lead fall from my shoulders; it was like the smile of the Virgin for Thérèse, in an instant everything was gone. I was home alone, but Heaven was there. That day I received God's peace and it still remains today.
Shortly after, through a book, I received the grace to understand the crucified love of the Lord, it was a blow to the heart, and I then made the offering of my life to the Lord. It was a very strong moment, when I said to Jesus: “Lord, what can I do for you, to make you loved, to be your disciple? From that day on the Lord truly guided me. But I was still far from thinking about religious life.
I was looking for a path to perfection; and one day I found a book on Thérèse which said that she had a very short, very straight little way to go to Heaven. That's what I was looking for! This little path is for me. I then wanted to make a pilgrimage to Lisieux to know its doctrine.
This pilgrimage marked me deeply, in particular this mosaic in the center of the basilica which shows Christ, and at his side Thérèse and the Virgin opening her coat to the sheep who come to him; this image spoke to me so much that I could write a book about it, my whole life was there. I was the sheep.
I had the certainty that at the end of this pilgrimage the Lord was going to show me what He wanted from me. Three weeks later, I received the call to religious life, as evidence! It was like something that was inscribed in me but that I hadn't seen before. I received the call “Go, leave your country…”, with Thérèse behind. So I naturally thought of Carmel. I went to see the carmel next to my house, ready to enter it, but I couldn't take the step. So my guide directed me to Lisieux. And when I arrived at the monastery here, it was a spiritual welcome, so to speak the embrace of my soul, I cannot explain it, like an embrace: “I want you here”.
I didn't want half measures and I found in Carmel the ideal I was looking for: Christ, Jesus is the love I was looking for. Certainly, I also had a deep desire for motherhood and it was a wound to give it up, but Jesus healed me there too and I now discover a motherhood vis-à-vis souls, it is this spiritual motherhood that God gives me and I will see all my "children" in Heaven.
The image that speaks to me, it is that of the Holy Face. In the past, I had her at home but for a long time I couldn't stare at her for long as she told me too many things. Now she is in my cell in Carmel, I look at her and I can't tear myself away from her, she attracts me!
The Word of the Bible : " I give you a new commandment, love one another as I have loved you. I understood it deep inside me, this “like”: wash each other's feet, support each other, it's capital in community life. When you understand this “like”, it changes everything!
my great desire, is that the Kingdom of God is coming, his Kingdom of love, in all hearts. Jesus, Maranatha!
A Carmelite Sister
